Expensive Watches – Don’t Go There!

Hello? Of course you should buy expensive watches. Unless you’re a die-hard minimalist – and maybe even then – your horological health depends on transferring large amounts of cash to watchmakers and their dealers. To be fair, this article should be titled Three Places Where You Should Never Wear an Expensive Watch. The SEO gizmo says no. Anyway, here you are! And here’s where you should never go with your expensive watch . . .

Expensive watches should never take a shower

There are a great many great watches that are only minimally waterproof (e.g. the Humism Rhizome). You can wear them in the rain. Anything else – doing the dishes or endless rounds of coronavirus-inspired hand-washing – is a bit iffy. Wearing one in the shower? Fuhgeddaboutit.

That’s common sense, right? A shower is a deluge of water. You wouldn’t take your manual wind Grand Seiko into the shower any more than you’d take your Ferrari off-road. Check the water resistance label, heed the warning, mazel tov.

But don’t get to thinking that expensive “waterproof” watches – even ones rated for deep diving – are completely immune to a hot shower’s combination of heat, humidity and moisture. It ain’t necessarily so.

Even if a watch is properly sealed against external moisture, a hot shower can cause the air inside the watch to condensate. (Sinn has an answer for that.) And then there’s the potential long-term corrosive effects of soap, shampoo and other chemicals on the rubber gaskets keeping the watch sealed.

A lot of expensive watches (e.g., Tudor Black Bay 58) can survive hot showers without a problem, for years. Some can’t. But why risk it? Unless there’s a greater risk of someone stealing your watch while you’re showering. Yeah, it’s that kind of world.

Don’t take expensive watches to a bar

Speaking of ooh baby, baby it’s a wild world, I hope I don’t need to tell you not to wear your expensive watch in a third world country or a bad part of town. (If so, clicking here could save your life.) Less obvious: the inadvisability of wearing an expensive watch to a bar. Any bar.

As we all know, alcohol makes some people belligerent, aggressive, confrontational and/or violent. It doesn’t matter how upscale the bar or its clientele – bad drunks drink in good places. Bottom line: bar fights are never a good idea. Other than avoiding bars, it’s best to avoid the fights.

We could talk about the de-escalation techniques I learned as a Reserve Police Officer. (The best one: leave.) Instead, I’ll simply point out that expensive watches are to a raging drunk as a red rag is to a bull. Nothing says I’m a winner to an inebriated loser like an obviously expensive watch. A flash timepiece can be a flashpoint leading straight to the hospital, or worse.

If you say screw that, free country, etc., I’m with you all the way. Two words: Krav Maga. But don’t forget that alcohol impairs you, and where do you think Rolex robbers and Mille-seeking monsters look for their victims? Bars. Coming out of bars.

Just like the shower thing, there’s no point tempting fate. Your cherished timepiece? If you’re going out for a night on the town, do leave home without it.

Don’t wear an expensive watch on a first date

Speaking of liking the nightlife baby, the gents in the audience are well advised to keep their expensive watches spinning on winders or relaxing in their padded case during an initial romantic encounter.

I’m not saying that men need to watch out – I mean, keep their watch in – to avoid what unreconstructed members of the prevailing patriarchy used to call “gold diggers.”  That’s a horribly sexist, deeply misogynistic concept that has absolutely no place in our woke world. Shame on you, shallow Hal, for even thinking it.

I’m simply asserting the importance of remaining humble in the courtship phase of a new relationship, so that a potential partner can get to know the real you, apart from the trappings of status and wealth. Expensive watches send the wrong message – they say “I care more about material things than feelings.”

In fact, consider following Elizabeth Warren’s money move: assert your right to bare arms and don’t wear any watch. Really listen to your date. If the conversation drifts to your interests, bring up your watch thing and name drop the hell out of your collection. You know, just to see if it’s meant to be.