SWATCHPay! Takes on the Apple Watch

The quartz crisis just about killed Swiss watchmaking. SWATCH saved the industry from Japan’s horological tsunami, then used the cash to hoover-up OMEGA, Blancpain, Breuget, Glashütte and other high-end watchmakers. These days, the expensive side of the biz is going gangbusters, while SWATCH faces death by Apple. SWATCHPay! is their answer . . .

SWATCHPay! is simple. You buy one of six SWATCHPay!-enabled watches, download the SWATCHPay! app. and connect it to an eligible bank card. When you’re ready to surrender your money for goods or services, you hold your watch over the store’s payment thingie and ba-bam! You’re good to go. Assuming you’re in Switzerland.

Don’t book your flight just yet. The Apple Watch already does the payment thing (including public transportation) and alerts you to calls about health care open enrollment, monitors your heart rate as you tell “Bob” to FOAD, translates that to Hindi so “Bob” can understand it, and reminds you that your anger management course starts at three. And thousands of other, equally vital tasks.

Why would anyone want a Mondaine SWATCH watch that only tells the time and pays for stuff?

Because SWATCHPay! is the best way to win a competition for a condom at a roadside vending machine in the dead of night. Shirtless. Or . . .

You can’t be bothered to spend the femtosecond needed to double press a button on the side of your Apple Watch to pay your bill. Or . . .

You can’t figure out how to suspend a credit card via any other app. But really . . .

You want “the coolest way to pay.” A lot cooler than wearing a credit card on your wrist. Because that’s what you do now, right?

I like the flexing possibilities of flashing a [non-Apple] watch to buy something. And yet I don’t think we’re going to see BregeuetPay! anytime soon. Meanwhile, SWATCHPay! isn’t the Apple Watch alternative you – or anyone else – is looking for. Especially as no one’s looking.

SWATCH is investing millions of dollars in technology that’s millions of miles behind Apple. I guess SWATCH’s suits feel like they have to do something before the smart watch crisis makes the quartz crisis look like a minor tizzy. Whatever it is, SWATCHPay! aint it.