New 007 OMEGA: Ugly?

I’ve just wrapped-up my review of the steel-on-steel OMEGA Aqua Terra 41. It’s a babe. The new OMEGA 007? Not so much. Not at all? Don’t ask the mainstream media. They’re too busy pimping the Emperor’s new timepiece, maintaining their supply of OMEGA ad bucks, demo models and junkets. So you can ask me. Yes. Yes the new Seamaster Diver 300M 007 Edition is ugly. Specifically, the bracelet . . .

What mindless marketing maven decided to marry a mucho macho dive watch with a relatively slim, intricately woven Milanese-style bracelet? Judging from the enormous gulf between the 007 OMEGA’s jumbo case and the formal bracelet, they sure don’t seem to like each other. OMEGA’s PR flacks try to hide their clients’ mutual loathing with clever camera angles and shadows, but somebody needs to call a divorce lawyer STAT.

I know: there’s a long tradition of dive watches on mesh straps. Some people will love the 007 OMEGA’s cognitive dissonance. Those people put ketchup on vanilla ice cream. The case/bracelet combo reminds me of Green Acres, only Oliver Douglas spends his days diving in some Caribbean backwater while his seasick wife yearns for Park Avenue shopping.

Props to OMEGA weaving Grade 2 titanium into a precisely engineered and handsome bracelet. I look forward to seeing it affixed to something appropriate, like the De Ville Prestige or Paris Hilton’s chihuahua. (No dogs were harmed in the making of this reference.) The titanium bracelet belongs on the Seamaster’s sticky-outy lugs like a Patek Philippe Grand Complication belongs on a professional mud wrestler’s wrist.

The watch itself isn’t bad. Its skeletonized hands are a bit brash and it leaves me nostalgic for the days before nostalgia was a thing – on display here via a dark brown anodized aluminum dial and eggshell Super-LumiNova lume. But there’s nothing wrong with the 007 OMEGA’s legibility and the 8806 METAS Master Chronometer movement lurking under a screwdown caseback. To paraphrase Miley Cyrus, look what they done to my watch, ma.

On what planet would Commander Bond wear a watch with a symbol identifying his timepiece as government issue? Ask any Boomer: the fun of wearing a James Bond watch is to pretend to be James Bond. Tough enough to kill scores of Hollywood extras, stylish enough to risk venereal disease with A-list bimbos, witty enough to make bad puns immediately after killing someone, and sober enough to manipulate cool shit containing secret spy gear.

Ah Mr. Bond, you’re awake! I’ve taken the liberty of removing your watch, to stop you severing your bonds with a hidden laser. Helga! Remind to pick up an OMEGA at Villains of Switzerland. Speaking of lasers, I see the number 007 etched on the caseback. License to kill eh Mr. Bond? INSERT BAD WATCH PUN HERE.

Diehard 007 afficianados probably won’t care about the bling Bond bracelet or the possibility that their timepiece will blow their cover. They’ll welcome any watch that harkens back to the time when James Bond wasn’t considered a misogynistic narcissist flaunting white privilege while furthering the United Kingdom’s classist, racist, post-colonial agenda. Even so, I’m sure JB fans would prefer the James Bond 007 Limited Edition Omega Seamaster 2019 (above).

That bad boy was less expensive ($6500 on a rubber strap vs. $9,200 on the bracelet) and more Bond, James Bond. It’s sold complete with two bullet head-shaped crowns, the camera swirl that opens Bond flicks, a Bond style 7 at six o’clock, and a hidden “50” [the film series’ anniversary designation] at 10 o’clock that only appears in low-light. The watch lacks lethality, but if you want to publicly identify as a British spy, this 007 OMEGA variant is your man.

I admit it: my objection to the new 007 OMEGA watch stems from the fact that I’m a bracelet whore. A word that might apply to OMEGA for creating more “limited edition” watches than workers in an arch villain’s secret rocket launching facility. That’s not very nice (or Rolex). But hey, in Bond’s fictional universe as well as ours, money [penny] makes the world go around.